Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
