get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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