a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
