Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
