you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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