i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
