my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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