I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize