Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
