im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
