you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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