yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
