Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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