I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
