What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
