so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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