Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
