Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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