she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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