Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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