i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
