I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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