as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
