Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
