Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
