I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
