Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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