i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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