How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
