i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
