if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
