Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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