dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
