I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
