It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
