Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
