News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
