Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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