The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
