Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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