I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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