never play flip cup with pint glasses
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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