You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
