what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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