I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
