I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
