do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My life is pants optional.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
