I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
