It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
