The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize