I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
