i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
