and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just cropdusted the office
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
