Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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