I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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