There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
