drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize