I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
