i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
