I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
